I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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