i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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