I murdered the dance floor call the cops
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize
