Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
