Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Princesses don't give blow jobs
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
