I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
