You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
