I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Randomize
