I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
