She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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