i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
