I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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