i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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