sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
