from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
