This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
