I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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