I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
