Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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