Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
