did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize
