Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
