idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
