i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
