Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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