Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
