some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
