I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
