I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
