I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
