Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
