mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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