Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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