Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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