erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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