Screwed.edu
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
