apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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