epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
