Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
