weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
