pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
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His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
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When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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