I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
