I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
