ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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