I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm too high and old for this...
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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