nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
