I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Someone came in the potted fern
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Randomize
