I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
