There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
