If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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