I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
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A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
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Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in