Duck Duck Cougar?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
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i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
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You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.