So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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