Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize