the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
