Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
you inspire me to be a worse person
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize