I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
