When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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